My friend whom I've known for nearly half of my life is planning my 30th birthday party. I've invited everyone I like and am close to in one way or another.
My birthday has always been special for me, mostly due to the fact that I taught myself to purposefully celebrate it. Growing up it there was cake and cards but no real joy on my birthday, it was necessary. {thus why I'm writing a book, although it's not about them, it's about me}.
The only full birthday party I can remember having was when I was 11 and invited nearly everyone in my class.
As an adult I have separate mini celebrations with my loves, lunches, dinners, movie nights, and beach visits. This year I'm going to Jamaica, been in the planning for years and I have 2 friends coming with me.
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| Top left is me, top right (younger filter), bottom left (old filter), bottom right (man filter). Just for giggles lol |
The party is taking place before I go away, we'll be in lovely Tiki huts outside (crossing fingers for good weather). I'm expecting about 20 people to eat and the rest will be coming and going as they please.
This is a big deal, I've never had everyone in one place before, and frantically started looking for an outfit to make me look and feel fabulous. Having selected the dress and it being delivered, I tried it on at work so that my friend could see. She approved heartily, I took it home to see for myself as I had no mirror in my work boardroom, but I was so busy I didn't get to see it on myself for a week.
A tried it on and looked in the mirror. And was pleasantly surprised, I looked beautiful and relaxed, and more than a little bit luxurious. I was happy. The moment I realised how stunning but simple the dress itself was though I started having thoughts like "maybe it's a bit over the top? I'll only be eating and drinking in it. It's going to draw way too much attention. Maybe I should just get a quieter dress"
I wanted to hide.
I haven't felt that feeling in a long long time. I'm an extravert that grew up introverted thanks to my surroundings. Think of the reverse, forcing an introvert into the centre of a room to sing and dance.
Years it took me to brush all of that muck and psychological abuse off my shoulders, and yet my birthday weeks (I celebrate over the whole summer) is the one time where if I have what would be a normally stressful / bad day, there it is - the ability to make me feel small, unloved, a problem, something to be hidden.
No one is treating me like that anymore, I made sure of it. But I have a memory, and whilst I don't purposefully think about those times, they were apart of my life so my brain will function exactly like everyone else's does and plays SNAP - you remember this? or how about this?.
I'm wearing the dress. Or something similar as it is quite warm so I don't want to boil myself on a Saturday afternoon. The blessing with that moment looking in the mirror is that it didn't last long, maybe 1 or 2 minutes. And I realised for the thousandth time just how far I had come. How rare those moments are, how quickly they dissipate under the strength of my recovered character and integrity.
I have been going through the process of becoming a whole person for 8 years. I think I could officially call myself an adult about 2 years ago. I love being me, just the other day I was saying to my friend if I had £1,200 (precise I know) I could just give all of my clothes to charity because they don't feel like me. I wear them because I bought them, and I don't buy clothes regularly because I find the process distressing, long limbs, big boobs, no arse, broad shoulders.
I wonder if it was distressing because I was buying the wrong clothes? Acceptable clothes, normal clothes. I'll make a promise to myself to buy only MY clothes from now on.
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