I believe in the law of attraction and the power of our own minds. I believe we are all essentially the same at our core, even if our actions betray that fact. I believe in healthy selfishness because you can't give from an empty cup, and depleting yourself does nothing to aid the collective. My belief has helped me tremendously with past traumas and self development.
With all of the new things I'm doing, I've had to get strong with affirmations, and firmly keep my mouth shut when I want to repeat old ways and surreptitiously beg for approval or permission in my endeavours. I have been paying attention to my emotions, and listening to my body when something does or doesn't feel right and it has gotten me so far I couldn't be more thankful if I tried.
When this whole thing (Happy Empire/Relaxed in London) began in February ish. I had to make the decision to not read certain posts and turn off the radio when it got too painful. It was the whole Trump thing. It was everywhere and people were so scared for months, it just didn't stop. It was really getting to me. So I limited my access to social media and stopped looking at anything at all for a week and really helped.
Keeping an eye on your emotions and subsequent stray thoughts can seem like a full time job, but you become so much more sensitive to it as time goes on.
The past 2 weeks have been exceptionally busy, primarily with the day job. I even had one of those random 4 day colds where you get one symptom that lasts for 6 hours before the next one comes along. I haven't worked on Gem Stone Love this week at all really other than to confirm my logo. But I was tired, and I was down, and then I woke up on Tuesday morning to the news that we suffered another attack, this time in Manchester.
It hit me hard, there was so many babies, probably at their first concert, up till that point the best day of their lives. Some are gone, and the others still with us are in pain. It will reverberate for a while and you have no idea how the effects of that night will show up on those children's lives as they grow to be adults. I was sickened.
Life for me had to go on though, so I meditated and kept them in my heart and had to go on about my week. I used my beliefs as always to help me, but I didn't do so well. With the tiredness and the ridiculous workload as well, my defences just weren't cutting it. I was listening to the radio, watching the video's, staying up step with the several scares after that night. And today about lunch time I realised I was scared.
I take public transport to go home, I go through 2 major stations and have seen the ramp up in police presence. I was scared. And I was shocked to realise I was. But I'm glad I admitted it to myself because then I could deal with it. I got myself a treat, walked in the sunshine, listened to several hours of Katt Williams stand up, and forced myself to find some really good things that had happened this week.
And maybe most importantly, went back to the basis of mindfulness - my version of it anyway, I went deep. By deep I mean I literally say what I am doing as I'm doing it, as it's the fastest and most immediate way to stop my mind from spinning. For example, I am walking to the bathroom, I lay down the toilet paper on the seat, I unzip my shorts, I am assuming the position, I feel relieved, I wipe, I stand, I redress, I flush, I wash hands, I dry hands, I smile at myself in the mirror.
I hope other people have/will find there way to get through this again. My heart as always goes out to the loves who were left behind with a hole that can't be filled. The only positive thing to come out of an incident that addresses mortality is that it should remind you that you too have a time. So in the time that you have, don't waste it worrying, being someone you're not, just waiting to live. I won't be. I'm going to live, and I'll bloody well enjoy it too.
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